so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
