Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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