Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize