May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
