are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
i wish my penis had a tongue
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
