When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
