My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
