Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
