ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I seem to have left my pride at pride
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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