WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize