so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Randomize
