Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Randomize
