arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
