I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
