No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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