I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
