Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
