I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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