at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
