I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I could make wine with my vomit
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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