If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize