im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
