when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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