I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
