I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
