just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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