No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
