I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize