They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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