I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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