I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
