he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
