i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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