Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
