my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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