so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
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