i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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