everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
