All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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