You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
