I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
