When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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