i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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