in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize