So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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