Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
