I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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