I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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