i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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