You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
