onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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