I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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