"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
