Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
