What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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