the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Randomize
